Jokes about terrorists

Our “inappropriate jokes” post is still the highest ranked post here at jokemail, so we figured another round of jokes in bad taste might not be so bad….


What do you call a Somalian who isn’t a terrorist?

Abu Qatada, after being released on bail, is allowed out for 2 hours as long as he is under surveillance and his conversations are closely monitored.
He isn’t being treated like a Muslim terrorist, he’s being treated like a Muslim woman.


Following the arrest of seven marines on suspicion of murdering an enemy soldier in Afghanistan, my grandad has gone into hiding after his involvement in a terrorist attack on Dresden in 1945.


Is all this very expensive terrorist security for the Olympics necessary? Wouldn’t it be cheaper to simply ship all the muslims back to wherever the fuck they came from?



I was riding the tube one day and I saw the ringleader of an infamous terrorist group known for mercilessly attacking civilians and trying to impose their own political views on regions they attack. Immediately I went over and started beating him over and over.

And that your honour, is why I assaulted the president of the United States.



How come I can’t get a mobile reception in my house, yet a terrorist can upload his vids from a cave in Afganistan?


Girls say they aren’t hard to understand, when in reality they are like Jenga crossword puzzle rubix cubes that are strapped on to a terrorist screaming at you in another language.


Officer: Do you know why I’ve pulled you over?

Me: Is it because you joined the police thinking you’d be thwarting terrorist attacks, solving murder mysteries, freeing abducted children, putting rapists, paedophiles and bank robbers away, but you keep failing your sergeants exam so they put you on traffic, and your wife persuaded you to do the night shift saying she wants to save for a holiday but it’s really so that she can carry on an affair with her boss who’s younger than you, better looking and makes 3 times as much money?



Abu al-Zarqawi died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates.
He slapped him across the face and yelled, “How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!”
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, “You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!”
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, “This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!”
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled “It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence.”
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader.
As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared.
Al-Zarqawi wept and said, “This is not what you promised me.”
The Angel replied, “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?”


9/11 happened 11 years ago today. Since then there have been 11 terrorist incidents in 9 US states.
New York City has 11 letters.
Afghanistan has 11 letters.
The US emergency services number is 9-1-1.
September 11 is the 254 day of the year … 2+5+4 = 11.
I decided to multiply all these numbers together and I came to a shocking realisation …
I seriously need a fucking girlriend.


Joseph Kony is a Ugandan guerilla group leader, he is on the USA’s terrorist list and has been indicted for war crimes by the International Criminal Court at the Hague. He is responsible for abducting over 60000 children to fight for him and is to blame for the displacement of millions of people. He believes he is on a mission from god and wants to create a theocracy based on the ten commandments in Uganda.
I’m sure he’ll be shitting his pants at people sharing a video of him on Facebook and calling him a bad man.

You know how you tell the difference between a toddler and a terrorist?
The terrorist has the nappy on their head and not their ass



Terrorist: Anyone who stands between America and oil.


I looked around at the small group of soldiers I’d recruited to storm the terrorist stronghold- a private was drooling over his rifle, the two corporals were laughing as they threw grenades at each other shouting “bang” and in the corner our medic licked the windows of the helicopter.
I began to realise that someone had misunderstood the concept of special forces.



A terrorist cell has recently started targetting cereal.
They go by the name of the Talibran



How do you turn a terrorist into a innocent law abiding citizen?
Kill them with a drone attack.


I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the bus and think – “I’ll fucking have that”


German authorities report they have discovered digital files hidden in a porn movie that outline Al Qaeda’s plans for more terrorist attacks.
This is the believed to be the first time that a porn film has ever contained a plot.


I remember seeing the terrorist attacks in London and thinking, wow that could have been me.
Things haven’t been as fun since I left the IRA.


I got chatting to a Marine Sniper down the pub last night. I asked, “What do you feel when shooting a terrorist?”
He just shrugged & replied, “Recoil”


What’s the differents between a premenstrual women and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

One thought on “Jokes about terrorists

  1. A family of five went to church last sunday. HA! HA! Hardy, Har, Har! You’ve got to admit that it is a joke in itself.


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