Royal Wedding Invitiation

Thanks to Chris over at Chris Loves Football, he’s sent us his requests to the Qween for the chance to attend the Royal Wedding…. (which is underway as I write and post this)…. Check the rest of his stuff out here.

Letter #1 –

A letter to The Queen re: the Royal wedding and my missing invitation…

Your Majesty,

May I start by saying that it is a great honour to write to you. It has been many years since I’ve had a pen-pal, and I would be delighted if you were kind enough to reply.

Before I get onto my urgent request, I’d like to ask you a few questions, nothing important – just a few things I’ve been curious about recently:

1 – Do you have a mobile? Don’t worry I’m not asking for your number or anything – I just wonder if you have one as everyone seems to have one these days, even my Grandma! She keeps trying to use it to raise the volume on her telly, but she’s got one nonetheless.

2 – Do you have a Facebook profile? I tried searching for you but all I got were Freddie Mercury fan pages. Do you get as annoyed as I do with the way thatFacebook constantly seems to change itself? Do you use “smileys” on Facebookchat? What are your thoughts on “poking”?

3 – Have you ever eaten a McDonalds? If so, which meal did you go for? I think Big Mac, but I have a friend who is convinced you’re a Nugget sort of gal.

4 – Your footy captain: Terry or Rio? I would say “penny for your thoughts”, but it seems weird because your head is on all of the pennies. And pounds. And 50ps. Etc.

Anyway, I digress. The reason I am getting in touch is with regards to my invitation to “the big do” – your Bill’s wedding. By the way, I must say I’m very impressed that you managed to book the wedding on a bank holiday, what lucky timing! Friends in high places, eh?

I’m really looking forward to it though (weddings are always the best booze-ups), but the problem that I’m having, Your Maj, is that my invitation hasn’t actually shown up yet! Nightmare! I realised that it hadn’t arrived a few weeks ago, but I figured it may be down to Royal Mail being useless as usual (no offence), and I didn’t want to stress you out while you were getting things sorted: the buffet and all that.

…as an aside, I did hear a rumour that The Duke of Edinburgh is down to DJ at the ceremony – can you confirm? If so, can I please request “The Time Warp“? I appreciate that you’ll probably be inundated with playlist and shout-out requests to pass on to The Duke, but it might be worth mentioning to him that I did almost get his Bronze award when in Year 9 (took too long to do the charity bit, couldn’t fit it in around my SATs – you know how it is…), so surely that counts for something.

I have attached my address, so if you wouldn’t mind resending my invite I’ll RSVP pronto and start looking for a present for the happy young couple. Can you have a root in Willy’s room and see if he’s got an Only Fools And Horsesalarm clock? If he’s already got it then it’ll have to be vouchers – I’ve had a £10WH Smiths one taking up wallet-space since Xmas ’09 and I couldn’t think of two better people to fob it off to. It’s just too far out of the way, Your Highness, and I tend to buy my DVDs online these days, cheaper deals – you know how it is.

Looking forward to seeing you soon,

Regards,

Chris Burgess.

(No response)

Letter #2 –

A follow-up letter to The Queen, RE: “Plus One” situation for Royal wedding

Your Highness,

I hope you don’t think of me as a pest but I am yet to hear from you about my absent invite to William and Kate’s wedding.

I know that you are probably elbow-deep in wedding prep but if I could distract you for one moment, I am writing to you to (firstly remind you to re-send my invite, and to…) query the “Plus One” situation.

I am awfully excited about the shindig – I have even bought a new pair of trainers for the occasion! Do you wear trainers? Mine are brill: Nike Astroturf’s, perfect for all purposes, be it drinking at the pub; walking to the job centre; exercise; drinking in the house; drinking down the park; or formal. I even got them in black for the ceremony so that they’d match my smartest jeans.

So I’ve been wondering about who to bring as my guest, and it occurred to me that my mate “Beak Head” would love a big rave like this. He’s a bit of a character – energetic, doesn’t blink much, quite loud and that – but essentially he’s just misunderstood. Come to think of it, Your Holiness, he got married to a girl called Kate as well actually, just like your Willy, except that Beak Head was 15 and she was in her 40s. She did him a lovely tattoo for their wedding though, 10 doves all sat in a line on a branch, one dove for each week they’d known each other – he’d look really romantic if it wasn’t on his forehead: every time he frowns it looks like a barcode.

Anyway, there’s a very good chance that he’ll be going away for a while – “at your pleasure”, as it happens! – and I think he’d be well up for one last big messy blow-out at Will and Kate’s do, so what I’m going to do, Your Majesty, is present you with the essential facts about Beak Head, and basically leave it up to you whether I invite him or not:

  • Beak Head Fact #1: He doesn’t like the monarchy.
  • Beak Head Fact #2: He does like fire.
  • Beak Head Fact #3: He’s vegan.

Now as I say he would really appreciate the chance to have a boozey send-off and I would try to persuade him to keep a low profile, but I can understand that he’s not everyone’s cup of tea (…or “cup of smack”, as Beak Head puts it…) , so if you’d rather me invite one of my other friends I’ll feed Beak some line about it getting called off or something, he’ll never know any different.

I’ll let you get back to your planning, Liz – let me know if there’s anything that I can do to help. I can do a tray of egg butties if you like? Or sausage rolls?

Cheers,

CB.

(No response)

Letter #3 – 

A third letter to The Queen, RE: unable to attend Royal wedding

Alright Queenie,

Bad news mate! Me and Beak Head can’t make it!

I feel like such a wally but I’ve double-booked you. We totally forgot but it’s actually Fat Tony’s BBQ on the same day as your lad’s wedding and he was fuming when we told him that we were thinking about jibbing off his barbie for yours. Him and Beak Head actually came to blows over it, it was awful, there was a baseball bat involved and everything.

Don’t feel too bad though, that storm has been brewing for a while, ever since Beak borrowed Tony’s car without telling him and set it on fire outside Tony’s market stall for a laugh. Beak Head wasn’t laughing when he was stuck in prison for arson and Fat Tony pawned his rare, collectable jewel-encrusted “Gandalf the Grey” replica staff for drugs money… Beak Head wasn’t laughing at all.

But I don’t need to tell you about boys being boys, do I? I’m sure your Will and Harry have spats like Tony and Beak all of the time. Have you ever watched The Lord of the Rings? What are your thoughts on 3D movies? Did you likeInception?

I’m just so disappointed, Liz. I was proper looking forward to your do – we were going to do Union Jack facepaint and Beak was excited about showing off the new “English Lionheart” tattoo on his chest.

Do you have any tattoos?

(Keep it under your crown like, marm, but we were actually going to play the old “food poisoning” card at Tony’s BBQ and slip out early, rock up at yours fashionably late, but then we heard that Tony’s cousin Dezzo would be there later on and he owes Beak some money so Beak wants to stick around.)

Anyway, we may not be able to see the happy couple in person on the big day but Tony wants to roll the flatscreen up to the front door so that we can watch it while we’re sat outside getting ratbummed, so in a way we’ll all be there. Although that does depend on whether the other channels are showing any decent films… Have you seen The Hangover?

Has Will has his stag do yet?

Ta love,

Chris.

(No response)

These letters were written by Chris Burgess, author of the Chris Loves Football blog – http://www.chris90s.wordpress.com – a blog featuring other silly little letters and soccer-nonsense about Liverpool Football Club, The Sexist Premier League, and the useless England team.

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