Missing Cat…by David Thorne

Awesome email chain from the master of email chain comedy, David Thorne.

Hi

I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.

Missy

This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.
Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: PosterDear Shannon,

That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone… possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out “Shannon, where are you?”

Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Posteryeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: PosterDear Shannon,

I never said I don’t like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham ‘Choose Life’ t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a foul stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.

Attached poster as requested.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Posteryeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: PosterDear Shannon,

It’s a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: PosterThats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: PosterDear Shannon,

Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don’t come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.

I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: PosterThis is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say Lost.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Posteryeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: AwwwDear Shannon,

I don’t have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend’s cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn’t have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.

I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: AwwwThats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: AwwwI know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says “I haven’t seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?” you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.

I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: AwwwPlease just use the photo I gave you.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: AwwwI didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: AwwwCan you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.

121 thoughts on “Missing Cat…by David Thorne

  1. Seriously, I’m trying to email you to tell you directly, but this is a terrible thing you’ve done. I’ve lost a cat and have been beside myself with fear and worry. The fact that you’d make light of that and be cruel to a person caring about the well being of her pet makes you a horrible human being.

    Like

      1. Jut been forwarded this from my hubby, We have 3 cats, but we both thought this was absolutely hilarious! I nearly spat my coffee out onto my laptop when I saw the poster with just the word LOST! Fantastically Brilliant!

        I’m pleased some of us still have a sense of humour, even though the world is so messed up at the moment.

        Thank you so much fr brightening my morning up! xx

        Like

        1. I am a long time cat lover, having always had two cats, but this was hilarious. What a great joke. Sure, if it was real it would not be very funny to me trying to find my cat, but as a joke, the LOST flyer had me LOL and rolling on the ground.

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      1. But Guadalupe, if you don’t get it, are you aware that you don’t get it, and can you therefore abstain from commenting?

        Also: funny cause i hate cats.

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  2. @Din are you kidding me? A secretary asking a graphic designer to drop what he’s doing to make a “lost kitty” poster for her? What a joke.

    Like

    1. OK- so this is supposed to be funny? Everyone pissed at the “secretary” for asking for a two minute favor. “David” doesn’t have enough time to make a two-minute poster, so instead he spends HOURS being sarcastic and downright mean with his fake posters. THAT makes sense. Sure, she could have used Paint or Word to make her own, but maybe she thought a graphic designer might make it more eye-catching (in a SERIOUS, helpful way), or could get it done faster than she could. Yes, I know this is supposed to be a joke, but I’m just not laughing at this pathetic attempt to be funny.

      First of all, you are insulting the work of “secretaries” or administrative/executive assistants who probably do more work than 5 graphic designers combined (I worked my way up from admin to graphic designer for a tradeshow company over the course of a few years- it’s not like I’m not speaking from experience), and you’re validating the stereotype that graphic designers are assholes with no heart. OK- so that last part is mostly true. Go fuck off and try writing a real joke.

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      1. Simply by saying you ‘worked your way up’ from secretary to graphic designer directly states that even in your mind, a ‘secretary’ is below a graphic designer. By insulting graphic designers you are also now insulting yourself?

        The way the two are acting says more about them as people, not their professions. Anyone who is incompetent and unkind will be incompetent and unkind despite the job they have.

        Way to be proud of your accomplishment of moving up from secretary to graphic designer. What’s next..sr graphic designer? (or is that sr. asshole designer)?

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        1. Actually, I’m a sr. asshole designer and you sir appear to have no idea of the level of focus and commitment it takes to design an asshole, much harder than graphics… jerk

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      2. Really??? My God!! It`s a JOKE!!!! If you don’t like it, why are you visiting this site…
        Besides… A Graphic Designer has a career!!!!! a secretary doesn`t!! and we actually work a lot!!!!

        Bitter person you are

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      3. give it a rest crazy lady, it’s a damn joke, it’s not real, no cats were harmed during the telling of that joke, you know why? BECAUSE IT’S A JOKE!

        lol You should seriously consider having that surgery so they can finally take that big stick out of your butt! get a life.

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      4. hey. i used to be a secretary too. maybe you’ll give me a call. talk about old times. catch up. what a wonderful thing that would be. i too believe that the enormous work of secretaries is underestimated so i started a band to loosen up… you should try it. it’s elevating.
        btw… i just loved the red hat! didn’t you?

        PS: don’t forget to call

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  3. HAHAHA! This is the funniest thing I have ever seen! When you quoted her on the seccond poster I was on the floor. Great job!

    Like

  4. Really hysterical dude! Who does that lowly, stupid secretary think she is, anyway? Please! Asking a big-time graphic designer for a favor. Probably some dumb single mom that never even went to college.

    You should have told her it was you that killed the cat! That would have really made it funny, right!?

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  5. Genious! My “cat-lady” sister forwarded this to me. I’m the cat hater. I can’t even sleep in my sister’s home due to the smell. But we’re best buddies otherwise. This is the most humorous exchange between the two types of people… because you either love them or are thoroughly disgusted by the little stinky creatures… There is no middle of the road!

    Like

  6. Tell me the college, single mom comment was a joke. Why would the women’s education or marital/parental status be reflected in her choice to ask a co-worker for a favor? Sure, it was extreme, but how does a somewhat extreme reaction to an emotional situation lead you to conclude that she probably never went to college or is a single mom? That would be similar to if someone read one of these comments and concluded that the commenter is a fucking idiot who has probably spent most of his life offending friends and loved ones alike through biased judgments and has yet to figure out that stereotypes, while in existence for a reason usually, are not actually applicable in the majority of situations. That reader would then wonder if that person has never met a college graduate who isn’t a single parent but is a fucking idiot, like himself. Key word: “wonder” -not assume.

    Like

    1. Sure do Judy, check out all of our David Thorne email chains by using the seach funtion in this sidebar. Welcome to jokemail!!!!

      Like

  7. Haha, it’s funny, but a bit cruel. I know, I have a cat myself. I really hope she found the cat.

    By the way, the first LOST poster really made me laugh.

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  8. This is the funniest thing I have EVER seen on the web. I had tears and couldn’t speak for ages. My family was wondering what the hell was going on. Unfortunately the wife does not have same sense of humour.

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  9. It’s hard to stop laughing long enough to type this. I am a cat person and even when and if I lose a cat, I will find solace in this perfectly funny (no, Histerical) email exchange.

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  10. Remembered this from months ago and just found it again on the web. I needed a laugh and knew this would do it for me. ROTFFPML!!

    LOVE this email exchange! God I hope it was a true story! How can people not find this shit funny?

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  11. I have two cats and I absolutely love this joke. Yes i would be heart broken, if my cat ran away. i would be in tears and all that. But to ask a co-worker who apparently she is not that close with to take away from his job to help is wrong. i could understand if you were close with the co-worker. That is why this makes this clever banter so funny. Wouldn’t you just give up after the first response? Nope she keeps on going and that is what makes this a classic.

    Like

  12. Me and two of my friends were sitting, reading this in our school. I was literally on the ground crying gasping for air in laughter which was exceedingly awkward considering we were in the library. The development of the missing cat poster had me in tears and honestly the red hat just sent me over the edge into a full-on-hilarity-orgasm. A sincere thank you for that David Thorne.

    Like

  13. This truly brightened my otherwise overcast day. Actually it’s 76 degrees outside right now, but you get what I mean. Exceedingly clever and hilarious!

    Like

  14. This is one of my favorites. I have 3 cats so I am a bit of a freak about cats but I also have worked with many designers through out my career and although not all of them are like David, you can’t help but love this guy. I lost a cat and had to create my own f’ing poster so the fact that he was even remotely helpful to the owner is honorable in my opinion. Actually the last photo with the red hat is perfect! I wish I would have had this talented designer help me with my poster because surely my cat angel would have been found!

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  15. I love cats and am a cat lover. And I think for shame for shame at you and am wagging my finger! This is one of the funniest friggin things I have read in a long time. (I was waggin the finger at the freaks with no sense of humor.)

    Like

  16. Do you have permission to use this article? Apart from mentioning Davids name there is no mention of this being the intellectual property of another website? There isn’t even a (obvious) direct link I can see to his site.

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  17. Holy crap? how obscure can you get? are you serious about this? intellectual property of ‘comments’???????????????? weirdo!

    Like

  18. I’ve had this hidden in my file for a year now and whenever I need a really good laugh, I pull this out. Anyone who doesn’t think this is hilarious seriously needs a sense of humor. David Thorne is a diabolical genious…

    Like

  19. I have a pet. I love him to bits. He is family. Anyone that does not see the humour in this should see a psychiatrist ‘cos you’re in danger of spiralling!! Get a grip – this is hilarious.

    Like

    1. I can’t believe that some people do not understand that this is humour and not real….of course it’s not funny to some and very funny to others. But the reactions to this from some people are very strange…..perhaps humour is not as widespread as we believe…sad eh?

      Like

  20. One of the saddest things that can be experienced is the loss of a loved one, each time I see the lost posters I get really upset. That said, this was freakin’ hilarious. It’s only a joke, these people are fictitious (from what I can tell) and nobody got hurt. Lighten up people!

    Like

  21. I was following along just fine until you did the “LOST” poster parody and laughed my ass off.
    To ANYONE taking this seriously – get over yourself.

    Like

  22. Ohhh, that kittie is so cute! Picturing it with it’s back legs run over crying “Shannon, where are you..?!” makes me want to cry! Or maybe it’s becasue I’m laughing so hard at the movie posters… I think I should have gone to sleep ten hours ago… **implodes**

    Like

  23. It’s difficult to find experienced people in this particular subject, however, you sound like you know what you’re talking about! Thanks

    Like

  24. David. You. Are. A. Freaking. Boss. I wet myself reading this last night, partly because it’s hilarious, partly because the toilet is downstairs and…i’m kind of scared of the dark. Anyway, that was really funny, even though i have a cat.

    Like

  25. Pingback: [INFJ] Humor Me
  26. So, I am a long time graphic designer who works for a lot of non-profits run by menopausal old women who cant make up their fking mind and ruin brilliant designs and insult me saying my globe with photos looks like a basketball. Anyways- I read this jokemail bit once a month and laugh an inch from my screen everytime. JOKEMAIL: DO YOU HAVE MORE SARCASTIC TRANSMISSIONS from previous work, id lov eto see more. LOST was fking priceless!!!!

    Like

  27. This is the most hilarious thing! I have to read it in sections because I’m laughing so hard. I can’t even look at the cat at the end without cracking up.

    Like

  28. It is usually polite to link to the original source. This post was written by David Thorne at 27bslash6.com and you have just copied it from his website without any credit to the author.

    Like

    1. Thank you for the link to his site Miranda, but I did read somewhere that it was David Thorne’s and to check his site for more great jokes…JS

      Like

  29. Thanks for a marvelous posting! I certainly enjoyed reading it, you
    might be a great author. I will ensure that I bookmark your blog and will eventually come back very soon.
    I want to encourage you continue your great writing, have a nice holiday weekend!

    Like

  30. I do not even understand how I finished up right here, however I thought this put up was once good.

    I don’t recognise who you are but definitely you’re going to a
    well-known blogger in the event you are not already. Cheers!

    Like

  31. The sixth grade teen was suffering relentless bullying by other students.

    They are threatening to sue their government for allowing
    the sale of the potentially dangerous product. 3% of the Breast Cancer Campaign said Jolie’s openness would help raise awareness of the disease. The guy was in the same Big Brother series as Jade Goody in 2007. In the study, believes the NCRN is playing a key role in improving the environment for commercial study delivery in the NHS tomorrow.

    Like

  32. As a graphic designer, I have to congratulate David Thorne for making a post which does hit on some verifiably true characteristics of graphic designers. We indeed tend to be fucking elitist assholes with ego issues and a contempt for ordinary folks. The client wants a poster of a missing cat that says that the cat is missing. Yet we would rather flaunt our creative abilities than just giving the client what is wanted. And we wonder why people would rather go to the photocopy shop guy who has a pirated version of Photoshop and Googled images.

    Like

  33. Funny as…I have two cats…I did the poster thing once when one went missing..she came back 3 days later…anyone who doesn’t find this funny needs to grow a sense of humour.

    Like

  34. To the cat lady. I think I found your cat . I recognised him from the hat he was wearing. He declined my offer of a lift home….says he’s old enough to be stopping out for the night. He says not to wait up for him and can you leave his dinner out for him.

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  35. I come back to this again and again when I need a laugh… just makes me laugh to tears — and for the haters I have a cat, who has escaped several times.

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  36. Somebody emailed this to me in the early 2000’s. I still have it in my email. Some of the words are changed, but same message. Funny stuff.

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  37. I’m a cat obsessed woman who idolises her animals and literally animal crazed. Yes some bits aren’t as funny as others but overall a DAM funny JOKE (keyword!) Some people have lost their sense of humour for real or never had one to start with. Life is SERIOUS so lighten the F up people. I’d probably commit suicide if something tragic happened to my cat/s but I could still find the humour in it. If we were cracking jokes about something as PURELY EVIL as the baby rape and murder cases – well – that would be horrifically sick dark humour but c’mon peeps MISSING MISSY – FUNNY SHIT!

    Like

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