“YOU HAVE TO DO YOUR TIMESHEETS. EVERYONE DOES.”
I don’t like doing time-sheets. I mentioned this to my partner Holly and she said “God you are lazy, just write down when you arrive and leave. How hard can it be?” Which must apparently be how it works in non-design related companies. Although designers are rarely known for their organisational skills, we are expected to compile a methodical record throughout the day of each project we are working on.
I generally refuse to do this. Partly because there would be far too many unaccountable hours to explain and partly because if I wanted to ‘clock in, clock off’, I would work in a factory. Probably making garage-door remotes or something.
Even then, I doubt I would be expected to write down ‘Made a garage-door remote’ after making each garage-door remote.
Also, I received a bit of slack recently after posting a series of formal complaints. Apparently, I was picking on Simon for no other reason than to be cruel and tormentive. While I am happy to be labeled such, and, to be honest, have been labeled worse, there are many other reasons to pick on Simon. Here are just three:
1. Simon super-glued his calculator to his desk to stop people borrowing it. Its position at the back of the desk and the angle of the LCD screen requires that he stand to use it.
2. Simon times and records toilet breaks and personal calls on his time-sheets. He also times and records the time it takes him to do his time-sheets on his time-sheets.
3. I once asked Simon what three items he would rescue from a house fire and he replied “My cat, the home insurance policy, and my Invicta watch collection.”
Date: Monday 13 February 2012 9.11am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Timesheets
Did you use my desk while I was away? You’re not allowed to go on my computer. I can tell someone used it because I shut it down before I left and pulled out the power cord but it was on this morning and where is my mousepad and what is this shit drawn on my desk?
I need to collect everyones time sheets for last week as well. Have you done them? From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 February 2012 9.52am
To: Simon Dempsey
Subject: Re: Timesheets
Good morning Simon,
No, I have decided not to do time-sheets anymore. I’m not a robot. As your new token responsibility as time-sheet collector is essentially the office equivalent of placing an OCD child in charge of equally spaced fridge-magnet distribution to keep it occupied while The View is on, this saves you from having to bother with the whole embarrassing process.
Also, while I generally avoid going anywhere near your cubicle of sorrow, lest the lack of atmosphere suck me in and cause my eyes to pop out like in that Arnold Schwarzenegger movie where he is on Mars and his eyes pop out, I was required to access your computer in your absence due to a client’s request for files.
I actually missed you while you were away. To counter this, I placed a plank of wood in your chair and wrote ‘Simon’ on it. He said I could use your stuff. Regards, David.
